A reflection on happiness and unhappiness through personal experiences and psychological concepts.
Happiness and Friendship
I associate contentment with meaningful connections. C.S. Lewis’s concept of philia resonates: true friendship seems the happiest and most fully human of all loves when people share common goals and activities.
The Role of Action
My happiest moments involve physical or mental activity—skiing, coding, drawing, or engaging conversations. There’s a state of “flow” where mind and body align perfectly, creating what feels like invincibility.
The Neurochemistry
These states have neurochemical underpinnings:
- Dopamine produces pleasure during physical exertion
- Oxytocin creates attachment and reduces amygdala activity (lessening fear)
Significantly, happiness is directly related to not feeling self-conscious.
Fear as Unhappiness
Unhappiness stems from fear and avoidance.
I remember a teenage lake-jumping activity. Everyone was jumping from a cliff into the water. I ran away instead of facing my fear. I still regret it. The pattern of avoidant behavior causes shame that lingers far longer than any momentary discomfort would have.
The Insight
Happiness is the absence of fear, and unhappiness is fear and its aftereffects.
Fear is the fundamental determinant of emotional state. Not circumstances, not achievements, not possessions—but our relationship with fear.
The path to happiness isn’t about acquiring things or avoiding difficulties. It’s about facing what frightens us and refusing to let fear dictate our choices.